Growth

Change is a good thing, right? 

That’s what I try to keep telling myself every time I get hit with a change.

Tonight I realized just how much has changed since I graduated high school a year ago. Here’s that story: my  group of friends from high school keep in touch through a group chat. Not frequently- just every once in a while one of us will see something on social media that we feel the urge to talk about. Normally the conversations get started with a screenshot of someone we all know; tonight it happened to be a girl from marching band who just announced she’s pregnant. As usual, that screenshot was accompanied by some pretty harsh gossip. Then, all of a sudden, that gossip morphs into “I miss you” and “let’s make plans.” And all I can think is: do I really want to be around these people?

Last year I wouldn’t have been bothered by these harshness of the conversation. Last year I would have joined in the laughter. Last year I wouldn’t have felt bad at all. But tonight I did. 

I think the reason I felt so bad is because I felt like I was in high school again. I got transported back to the cafeteria table and complaining about classes, fawning over stupid boys, and trash talking all the girls we didn’t like. The conversation was all too familiar. Uncomfortably familiar.

Then I realized: that’s not who I am anymore.

So many things have happened this past year that have shaped me into the person I am today. I made a new group of friends who encourage me instead of put me down. Me and my boyfriend broke up after a two year relationship.One of my best friends tried to end her life.  I could go on and on.

In the past 365 (ish) days, I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, and I’ve laughed until I cried. More importantly, I’ve matured. I’m not the same girl I was in high school (praise Jesus). Meaningless conversation doesn’t interest me anymore. I want to have thoughtful conversations that make me think. I deserve someone who isn’t manipulative and who isn’t going to accuse me of things I didn’t do. I want to be there for my friends who are going through a hard time and let them know that someone loves them.

Even though I wouldn’t change a thing about the past year, I can’t help but think back to high school. Sometimes I wish I could perform one more time with the marching band. Sometimes I wish I was sitting at our crowded booth in the lunch room.  Sometimes I wish it could just be us sitting in the instrument closet in the band room trying to survive the mess that is pre-cal.

Change is inevitable. Growth is good.

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